oh my sandy

I miss my favorite sister.
I miss our baby.
She's growing up so fast and I 'm not
fortunate enough to witness it.

How I wish they will be with us already.
It's almost 5 years since we were all complete here in Manila.
Hay, how I wish to have more moments with her - storytelling, playing games,
discovering things and sharing our thoughts.
I still believe in children's resiliency. =)
But I cannot deny the feeling, the longing, the emptiness.

shower ;)

When God gives graces, it comes in showers! ;)

Ang galing! Although at the end I did not regret deciding
to be an officer in Psyche before, I felt sad feeling I only left
half my heart to STrains because of that. But I agree with
one quote from a bookmark I bought. Love is something that
when you give you don't run out of it because it's overflowing.
Ang saya saya!

I'm proud to be part of the group who founded Psyche!
(even if there were moments I felt I could have done better)
Woohoo! Accredited na Psyche! ;)
....so does that mean we get a room of our own in the new Colayo hall?
Yay! =) haha as if I'm still in college. But, I will visit! ;) Hopefully...if my new
job lets me. Lapit lang naman. Katips din.
I'm excited anxious with all the changes! =)
I can't wait for my new class! ;)
I know I'm up for quite a challenge.

I super enjoy tai-chi as well! =)
Guess what? Jet Li has a movie where he does tai-chi!
How cool is that?! Haha
When I do taichi, I see the power of the mind over the body.
coolness ;) It's testing your limits.

(happy high grateful)

I gave a short speech to the English dept.
I told them that a good friend of mine said
"A mistake is just a mistake if you don't learn from it."
I believe there is a reason why I came to Xavier.
I do not regret anything. =)
But rather I am grateful.
I will always have that one year full of learning
and self-discovery there.

One last sharing (haha although I'm not sure to whom I'm sharing
since this is an open blog but I can't contain my gratefulness and
happy feeling that I see a need to write it down!) =p
Ang sarap magwall-climbing! ;) Woohoo! Especially if it's free!
Although my arms ache because of this and my knees also sore because of tai-chi
it feels so good. =p Hehe I think one can get good reflections from doing sports.
Ang galing, kasi I see the interplay of the mind and body. Like in climbing,
if I get intimidated by the wall (especially if it's not flat, with the steep points)
and I think I can't do it, then I don't. But if I focus and I don't stop, I can make it.
It's like solving a puzzle as well, trying to determine where to put your hands and feet.

So many insights, so little time. Haha I need to reflect more.
I mean personally...to prepare myself for Lent.

A joyful heart is a sign of temperance - from the Dominicans

=) Thank you!

Ang kulit. Ang galing.
;)

I think I'm off to a very exciting new adventure!
Ambilis! Exciting! ;) I will update you as soon as it's 100% sure.
Hint: Multiple Intelligences ;) Coolness!

I'm grateful for:
- trip to Baguio ;) watching my foster bros graduate in PMA. I'm proud of them
- 3rd Sunday Reco and all the insights I gained from it (new record in attendace of people)
- gut feel and following my heart =) --> new chances, exciting challenges, honest and up front passionate people, good friends

A lenten theme I have to give much thought about - forgiveness (one's self, other people)

I feel like Shasta (Prince Cor)..

It's amazing how He seems to talk to me through different people and even through
the stories I read.

I can't get over my frustration and the hurt that I'm feeling.
My emotions are taking hold of me.
And so I struggle.

I feel like I'm Shasta in the story of the Horse and His Boy (Book 3 of the Chronicles of Narnia.)
All the while it was Aslan, the Great Lion who 'pushed" Him, who led him to where He was.
At one point, after all the struggles he has been through He thought of how unlucky he was.
He tried to do good things - He helped Aravis, warned King Lune about the Tarkaans..-
and yet he ended up lost, tired, hungry and lonely.
Tears started falling from his eyes.

Then Aslan shows up...

He talks to him. He tells him that there was only one lion - the lion who chased him that's why
he met Aravis, the lion who was with him when he was alon in the Tombs, the lion who gave the horses a push so that they could run the last mile to reach King Lune.

(Basta...ang ganda, especially how it was explained simply in the book)

After a night of grief and talking to Aslan, Shasta finds himself in Narnia, the land He has dreamt of. =)
Ang galing ;)

I feel so weary. I feel so tired.
I can't wait to be in Narnia.
I will follow You where you lead me Lord.

and I pray and laugh =p

=)

Lord, what is in store for me?

I have to listen well, and have a discerning heart.
I was quite distracted in tai-chi class today.
Part of me still feels the frustration
but I realized I should lift it up to Him.

Fr. Manoling mentioned in his talk at MTQ last Saturday
that Mary Magdalene was actually not the prostitue sinner
that Jesus defended before. He clarified that Mary Magdalene
was actually the woman possessed by many demons - this could
mean she may have had an unstable psychological state, like maybe depression.
Then after that, she became a disciple of Christ.
Hmm, I just thought - I don't have to go through this depression alone.
I have to admit it is unavoidable not to get hurt and to feel pain
but I realized, it's not all about me. With God's grace I can transcend these things.

Note to myself:
Stop comparing yourself to the people around you!
Be patient!
Listen well!
Focus! Discern!
Give yourself a break! =p

I had dinner with some old friends yesterday.
RD & Luipot =p hehe Luipot said how we were so young then.
Siguro ganito na nga ang tumatanda, haha looking at pictures
of myself in college, I think I was quite naive and childish then.
Ang nene ko dati, sobra! =p

Although I miss the silliness!
Haha ang cute ng mga EED (preschool) teachers, when I went there once.
They were like kids - pati boss nila, ginagawan nila ng silly antics! =p
Isipin mo, they hid the fake teeth of one lao shi! Haha
Sabi daw sa kanila ni lao shi, sige...kayo na lang magturo ng Chinese...
eh di nagshow-up bigla yun pustiso. Haha kulit!

I miss that.
I miss being carefree and not taking things too seriously.
I miss having fun while working. (one Fish principle that I think the culture lacked)

=p

DABDA

shoot. Slowly, depression is surfacing.
I realized this is how I deal with this.
I oversleep.
I want to sleep.
My heart literally aches.
I get very distracted.

(Last time this happened, It was when Nanay was about to pass away...)

Well, this time...I think I'm trying to also handle it by talking to people,
talking to my friends about what happened.

I know, after the storm, there will be a rainbow.
I can't wait for that rainbow. Right now, I hear the thunder
and I'm running away from it but I know I can't.
And so I sleep,
Beautiful, peaceful sleep -
Thank you.

through the black tunnel...

From the Warrior of the Light Online
“I saw only a tunnel.”
In the bar in Sibiu, in Transylvania, Sorin looks deep into my eyes. He carries on speaking.
“I saw a black tunnel with a man at the end of it, making signs at me.”
I wait. We have all the time in the world and I remember that when I was in the same situation I saw a tunnel too, except this one led to a hotel in Rio de Janeiro, the Glória Hotel. I looked at that hotel, expected the worse and thought to myself: “it’s not fair, I’m only 26 years old!” Fair or not, in the early morning of 27 May 1974 I stood before death and could not see what was happening beside me. Just the tunnel and the hotel. But my story does not matter, it serves only to say that I understand perfectly well what Sorin is telling me in a bar lost in the middle of the Carpates Mountains.
“I saw only a tunnel, with a man pointing a gun at me and telling me to get out of the car.”
Sorin Miscoci’s Calvary began on 28 March 2005, near Baghdad. He had been designated to spend a week there at the request of a Rumanian TV station and ended up being kidnapped for 55 days.
“Later on, when they freed me, the American security agents asked me how many people were there. And I told them: one. They laughed and said that just wasn’t possible. It was the psychologist who helped me, explaining that in situations like this, nothing in the surroundings has any importance. All you see is the focus of the crisis, what is threatening you, and you simply forget the rest.
Sorin has just got married to Andrea, who strokes his hand. We have been traveling together for three days and we will continue for another week crossing the Carpates Mountains. I knew his story, but waited until he was in his home town before asking him the details. Cristina Topescu, an old friend who worked as a journalist in the same TV as Sorin, was also at the table. She says that when the time came to mobilize the country, few colleagues came forward to speak to the President of the Republic, for fear of losing their jobs.

“The worst of it was that I saw Sorin wearing orange overalls and with his head shaven, in a video that was delivered to Al-Jazeera (the Arab channel based in Qatar),” says Cristina. “This was a sign that his execution would take place quite soon.”

“I asked God for only one thing: to die with a bullet in the heart. I had already seen videos of prisoners being decapitated; I asked, begged to be shot,” adds Sorin.
Andrea gives him a kiss. He smiles, asks if I want to stay in that restaurant or if we should go to the only karaoke in Sibiu. I prefer to interrupt the conversation at that point - it was better to go and sing together. Our group gets up, I try to pay the bill but it was “on the house” in homage to the local hero, he who had survived in spite of everything.
On the way to the discotheque, I think about the black tunnel: without wanting to romanticize a dramatic situation, I fell that this happens to everyone. When we are faced with something that really threatens us, it is impossible to look around, although this is the correct and safer procedure. We can’t see clearly, use logic, gather information that can help us and those who try to get us out of that situation. In love and in war we are human, thank God.
We reach the karaoke, drink some more, sing Elvis, Madonna and Ray Charles. Ours is an interesting group: Lacrima, who was abandoned by her mother when she was only two months old. Leonardo, who has just got over a depression that lasted two years. Cristina Topescu, who recently overcame difficult moments. Sorin and his 55 days in captivity, and Andrea, who almost lost the person she loved. And me, with scars all over my body and soul. And even so we drank, sang and celebrated life. To have friends like these gives me more than hope, it makes me understand that the true survivors will never be victims to their torturers, because they manage to keep alive the most important thing in human beings: joy.

And where there is joy after tragedy, there will always be an example to be followed.

assumptions and love

I don't want to assume anything from people.
I don't want to put "meanings" out of little things but I AM grateful.
=)

I'm just paranoid I lead on people.
But honestly, I do not have that intention.
I just want to connect with someone, to share and appreciate people.

Hmm, when I am asked if I'm single or not can I just say:
I'm reserved? =p

eh kasi naman...I know it's not yet the right time.
But, I have this inkling to the One. ahaha
yes..."the one." I know it's idealistic.
Come to think of it, he's the only guy I've ever been really infatuated with
even if I wasn't sure he liked me. =p

I just have weird dreams about him.
Last dream I had with him, there was music playing.
I was like a kid telling him all that I felt with my problems.
I was so reassured by his presence.
I felt at peace with him although, I know I do not directly get my strength
from him right now.

I'm trying to be more open.
I'm trying not to close myself to someone who is not yet ready.
But, part of me is anxious.
I wouldn't have to worry about all these things
if we were together.

Oh wells. I won't think about it much.
I need to focus on my career.
I shouldn't analyze too much.
I just wish I wouldn't hurt anyone.

I honestly do not like the feeling of
falling in love equated to infatuation.
It's being drunk..and drunk people do not
know and mean what they are doing or saying.
It's all emotions. Sometimes, I even think some people
become masochists because of it.

Life is not about having someone beside you,
just one somebody to love.
Life is about sharing. It's about loving, trusting, learning
and growth.
That's why I like the movie "Love actually"
Love is all around you...and so the feeling grows.
It doesn't have to be romantic love all the time.

The greatest love I look forward to is the love
of a mother to her child. That is unconditional love.
It's not just about emotions. Despite the anger a mom may
feel for her annoying little son, she still decides to love him.

Ang sarap magmahal ng tunay.

Although, come to think of it loving is not just about a specific person
but it's about your heart's true desires.

I've discovered my love for teaching.
Through the sweat, tears, laughter, frustrations, and struggles I've experienced in teaching
I find peace, knowing I love what I'm doing.
It is what I truly desire.
Hindi lang ako nananaginip na magmahal, pero tunay kong nadarama ito
sa bawat desisyon na ginagawa ko.

(more reflections on love next time...)

after politics and paranoia

Hay. I believe one of the less fascinating and far from glorious unavoidable thing we all have to face is the existence of politics. Eek.

I wrote that a few days ago but I didn't know how to continue and I didn't have time.
I was overwhelmed. Goodness.
Systems and politics, the play with power.
Hmm. ang gulo.

I don't want to be paranoid.
I do not want to be controlled by fears and assumptions.

I have to move on.
Ack. They say there are stages with this kinds of things
DABDA
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression...
then Acceptance

sana naman I won't feel depressed.

Kapit lang Raquel, kapit.

Conversations with lots of people help.
Sleeping is sooo sweet. ;)
Crying and praying is a grace.

Do not give in to discouragement.
I like the song 'Pagkakaibigan."
I like the word "nagtatahan."

I feel like a kid whose crying her heart out
while the Lord assures her that everything will be alright.

Happy Saturday =)

Ang sarap pala mag-area sa Musmos! =)
The children are so lovable.
(Well, sort of...hehe kasi makukulit din sila =p)
Haha I'm learning how to be better with words.
Di naman sa mambobola ako, pero sana may epekto ang
mga munting bagay na sinabi ko.

Cute! ;) There was this group of boys who were fond of spitting at people.
One girl cried because, one time her mouth was open and one boy spit at her.
It went straight through her mouth. Eek. So I told these boys... sayang...guwapo
pa naman sana ikaw..pero nandudura ka. Sino magkakagusto sa iyo niyan?
Hindi maganda yun. Then, when they were leaving already the boy said:
Ate, guwapo ba ako? Promise...di na ako mandudura. =) He's Alberto.

With Joan, I promised I would come back. I will keep my promise!

I didn't expect anything but I received so much blessings.
The kids endless kisses and hugs were so heart-warming.
Salamat Andoy =) Hug!

Ang sarap din mag-badminton! ;) Thanks -_-!
I'm glad we're good friends again. =)
I found it amusing how my 'playmates' were
all just enjoying the company of each other
and laughing their heads off because of
their misses in the game. =)
haha they even tried combining volleyball
and badminton. Ang kulit! Parang mga lasing! =p

I rediscovered the meaning of not taking yourself too seriously.
It's also fun to actually laugh at your own mistakes and silly antics.
=p

In summary, it's fun to find the child inside each one of us.
I believe there's so much strength in that.
Just seeing kids who are still very willing and open to love,
despite their problems and hurts, is a moving experience.
Being with people (the same age as I am) who are not afraid to be like
kids is refreshing.

Hay naku...Raquel. tama na ang pagiging paranoid! =)
Be streetsmart but not cynical. ;) Love! =)

thank you PGTB =)

hay.. =) Sigh. One of the highlights of my week was my PS with the pretty girls and one boy. =p Thank you so much! I get my strength from all of you. ;)

Before I forget these are the quotable quotes I got from it:

Aivs talked about patience --> the typical idea of patience as you just let it be versus natural patience when you take everything and let it go. (hehe not sure I got the semantics clearly)

Joy quotes one sportsman who talks to himself "I love you. You are good but I know next time you can do better" =)


I realized what a fitting way to start this blog with this: Another year! Another Adventure!
And indeed, I will soon be off to another one! =)

I have many insights I want to write about but since I have many things to do, I'll write only a handful

- "Veritatem Amare et Vivere" I have to be true to myself. I need to be honest. Stop defending or rationalizing the actions or shortcomings of other people. But at the same time, it is no good to blame others for one's own actions.

- It really is true: To teach is to experience the attractions of love. You give so much without asking anything in return except seeing that person grow before your very eyes.

=)

Rain

After crying my heart out, I feel like a tree that has been parched in the sun that has received the gift of rain.

Thank you =)
I am grateful for new realizations that I know will lead to growth.

I've always loved the prayer for inner peace which goes like this:
Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

One of my friends tells me how he's amazed by how serene I was. Although my emotions still sometimes get the best of me, I've learned the meaning of acceptance because of everything I've experienced. Now, I think, I'm learning to live out being courageous. I should not just accept everything as it is given to me. Although I seem to be serene...I haven't conquered my fears, my innermost fears. I should give myself more credit. Sometimes, I just don't want to say bad things about people...but I realized I have to speak the truth. I have to be honest with myself and how I feel. Right now, I just feel discouraged and I need to fight for my rights. I need to clarify. I do not want to blame but I also cannot shoulder everything. I know I tried my best (well part of me feels I could have done more...the magis part I suppose.) I know they also see it. I hope I'll have a clear mind as the week comes to an end.

And, like a withering plant after a rain, I would be refreshed and renewed.

Seeking and Finding

I haven't organized my thoughts yet but I want to write about these past few days of thinking, feeling and talking.

Hindi ko alam kung magtatampo ako sa Kanya o hindi, kung nagtatampo ba ako o galit.
I haven't prayed much (except for the PS group I attended as well as the 1st Fri reco at Gonzaga.)
I haven't conversed with Him much about this.
I don't know what to say.
Hay, He knows I'm stubborn and I usually follow what I want
without really thinking. Basta kakayanin ko basta naisipan ko gusto ko -which is actually a bit naive for me. It's not about just "surviving."

I always find my strength from people.
This time around I did, once again.
=) I'm grateful for these graces I have.
It's humbling to actually admit that you need help.
Right when I'm about to fall, I open my eyes and appreciate the sky.


I would like to take some points I got from PS & Reco.

Sakto talaga. I couldn't help but feel tears gush across my cheeks when I read this:

Seeking and Finding by Joyce Rupp
I search for God,
elusive, hidden God,
I long to dwell
in the heart of Mystery.

I search for my true self
more of who I already am,
knowing there's so much
yet to be discovered.

I search for love,
the unconditional love
that enfolds me
and asks to be shared.

I search for vision
in the shadows of my soul,
impatiently awaiting
the moment of lighting.

I search for a quiet heart
amid life's harried schedule;
my soul cries out,
yearning for solitude.

I search for Home,
always for Home
unaware, of course,
that I am already there. =)

Right when I have learned to adjust and (well, I am struggling but still, I didn't exert effort to think more, to discern more of the what could be), I am shaken.

"When you search for me, you will find me;
when you search wholeheartedly for me,
I shall let you find me." -Jer 29:13

What's my plan? I'm still not sure.

I find delicious ambiguity in the face of humility.

But, part of me is still haunted by the recent past.
I pray for forgiveness within myself and healing for my students.

=,I

I am far from perfect.
I falter.
I fall.
I cry.

Why?