Nanay is in Heaven =)

I had a peaceful and wonderful dream last night.
I woke up at 2:40am disoriented as to where I was.
My yellow night lamp was unusually turned off and it was pitch black.
But, I was not afraid.

I dreamt of Nanay.
I dreamt Anne and I were sleeping in my old room
in Antipolo where I shared it with my lola.
Anne and I were talking about problems.
Then in my dream I fell asleep.

I saw Nanay wearing white enveloped in white bright light.
I felt I was crying and she was hugging me - more so enveloping me
with her loving presence. We both miss each other terribly.
But, she seemed to say that she had to go and that I shouldn't worry.
We communicated telephatically, no words used, to express how much we loved each other.

Then, I woke up in my dream, back in my old room.
I saw Isabelle. Then I think there was another baby who had the same one sided dimples Nanay had. The other baby was smiling. He looked liked Nanay.
After that, I really woke up from my dream.

I was at peace.
***

Some notes I got from my 8-day retreat last year:
"Praying is an art - there is no clear cut formula. You have to do it yourself to be able to find out."
"Describing God: Pasimple pero ang lakas ng tama"
"Things becomes more real, when you are most aware."

There are so many insights I want to write but right now
I'm so preoccupied. Haha obsessed! I enjoy reading his blog.
Anubayan! =p Haha ;) It's my escape from stress.

On teaching, hay, it's so hard to be consistently firm.
I need to really put my foot down.
I'm learning.
Ang kulit. Hehe I feel like I'm really learning
how to become a teacher (and a mother..eek!)

But, at the same time, I feel so young with all
the emotions I'm feeling.

I'm still thinking.
I feel like changing my blog.
To be public or not?
That is the question.

I want you to know me
but I'm afraid of sharing myself so much
that I can't get myself back.
It's weird I know.
But I just feel this emptiness when close people
leave or go and I think it's inevitable for those things to happen.
I want to know you better but I'm scared of putting my emotions
at your mercy.

Lord, awareness and consciousness examen is the key.
Pls. help me.

Blogging and recollections

have so many thoughts, insights, emotions I've scattered throughtout the World Wide Web. Let's see...I use blogspot, livejournal, multiply and friendster. But, I realized I feel this need to integrate and recollect everything. What am I really thinking? What are my concerns right now? How have I changed?

I know I've experienced so many changes after college.
It's amusing to see it even in my blog entries.

My naive, neneng days in college can be seen in my blurty blog. After which, my struggle and insights as a fresh grad is in my "lets rock the world" blog. I have "a warrior of the light" blog right now for my spiritual struggles and encounters.

Now, I find myself wanting to start a new blog. Something different. I still have yet to discern.

It's almost the end of the year and I feel like I'm continuously changing and rediscovering who I am and I'm meant to be.

How fitting that today is the Feast of Christ the King. This marks the end of the year for the Church. If I was my old self, I wouldn't bother to celebrate or reflect on it. But, with the contemplations of St. Ignatius it becomes more meaningful. Christ's kingdom is not of this earth. The worldly kingdom is put in contrast with His kingdom.

Coming from recollection today, I've gained so many insights once again. I liked what Jackie said about struggles. Yes, it's inevitable that we all continuosly struggle. It does not stop or end after we've overcome a struggle. Most of the time, if not always, it even gets harder as your grow up. However, she brought out the point of seeing the beauty of these struggles, of transcending yourself. At the end of the day, it should not be about what you want but it's about praying and listening to what He wants.



Sometimes, I have this fear of being preachy or too religious because of how I've been exposed to Ignatian spirituality and how it has changed me. So I keep quiet instead and I try my best to listen. I have discovered that in reality, we all experience this void and emptiness that we all try to fill. We may have different experiences- from teaching, working in the Corporate World, law school,to med school and even heartbreaks -but underlying this is the common urge to find meaning in our lives.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to honesty and humility. I know I'm still a work in progress. I have yet to discover what I'm meant to be. I'm learning to be more open. I'm at peace knowing He has a big plan for me.

Boomtaratarat nonsense release

Waah. Mixed emotions.
Sleepy. Lazy. Crazy.
At peace. Resilient.
Transcending.
Shocked.
Overwhelmed.
Excited.
Dreamy.


Lord, pls. calm my spirit.

Huwag ko dapat dibdibin ang lahat.

Hay, di ko alam ang gagawin ko.
What will you do if a student of yours comes to school with a big red mark on his face? You probe and ask, until finally he says, it's his mom. You check his legs and arms, there are more bruises.

Lord, pls. give me strength.
I need to talk to someone.

Everyday is a full day.
I just want to sleep.
But, when I wake up it's a new day
And I just can't help but breathe.

Honesty IS the best policy

=)

Sorry

I'm sorry.

I'm trying..

trying my best

Pls. don't shout at me.

Pls. be patient.

Clearly, I pray you'll see.

I'll do my best.

I lift up to God, the rest.

conversations and walking signs

I've had a very insightful Saturday.

Hehe two things happened at the same day.
1. I met an old friend who has changed lifestyles drastically
and now talks to me with different insights.
2. I went to my first ever blind date. Haha Yes. I did. It's going
to be written in my book of things I've tried.
I didn't want to post it here at first but I just couldn't help but to
share it since this is my blog. =p

Hm, hehe I can't figure out the signs I've been seeing.
It's all about love and relationships once again.
The other day my friend sent a text to me about opening up your heart
to a stranger because you never know when God will throw a pass at you.
I'm continuously trying to be introspective.
Saturday lunch time, I bumped into a STrainer wearing a cute shirt
saying: "I'm Mr. Right" and under it was written (but not right now.)

Then, while talking to my friend. I saw someone pass by with a shirt that said:
"Are you looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Right now?"

Ang kulit!

Now with regard to the conversation with my old friend.
Sobrang insightful talaga. I can just see him like those guys in the movies
who have everything and yet are not satisfied, are not happy.
He said how he was becoming cold, how he was becoming numb.
It was like he was asking himself: Is this it?
He wanted to be grateful but I could see why he wasn't.
Honestly, I think it had a price. All things do.
He changed into someone I know he does not want to become.
He has become someone I know he would despise if he was himself.
I will continue to pray for him. I believe the old him is still deep inside his heart.

With regard to my blind date.... =) Yihee! Haha
It was great! I can't believe it's actually over.
Besides the awkward moments, there were more things we talked about.
We even talked about how many children we wanted when we had a family of our own - Haha how weird is that! He also believed that if you're 4 years together already, you should be talking about marriage - that the relationship should progress. If not, it won't push through. Anyways, nakakatuwa talaga. ;) He's so cute! Haha I told him about the different "smarts" and I figured out he's music smart. I liked how he was very simple and comfortable to talk to. Hm, let's see. Just let it flow Raquel. Let it flow. =p No overanalyzing..not too much daydreaming. ;p

Nakakaoverwhelm.
Okay. Time to work! Hocus foucs!
=) Pray!