you get what you give

It's hard to admit but it's true.

I've been quite impatient with my students lately.
Actually, I've been quite impatient with myself as well.

I feel unsure of myself and I feel incompetent.
I worry too much about dealing with my students
that in the end I don't get to deal with them effectively.

Sabi nga ni T. Joy, iniisip mo kasi na ganun...
When I told her, I felt my students think
"Kaya nila ako."

It's so tricky to be firm and strict and to be kind at the same time,
to be authoritative instead of authoritarian, to listen to their complaints
but not to let them manipulate you.

I'm learning, Lord. I'm learning.
I have to stop taking myself too seriously and straighten out my paradigm.
These are kids I'm talking about - lovable kids that could be very hyper buy nonetheless, all seek to be loved. There's more to their misbehavior than just not following the teacher...the art of being interesting talaga.

"Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,"
the COURAGE, to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

I shouldn't wallow in self inadequacy that my students would begin to immitate that.
I shouldn't be driven by my emotions in getting mad at the class.
I should be consistent, firm but kind and clear in explaining everything.

I'm hopeful.
Thank you Lord.

breaking down and lifting it up

hay. I cried again last night. I slept at around 10, woke up at around 11:30pm. I couldn't take it anymore. I went downstairs and cried my heart out to Ate Jack. Part of me just feels frustrated and out of control. I feel like I'm doing my best. I'm working continuously but there's still so much urgent things to do. I really think I swallowed more than I can chew. But, since I'm here already,I'll just finish this and consider it as a learning experience. (Nakakastress lang talaga, sobra. I only have around two hours of sleep.I wanted to pla well for my subjects.

Hay, Lord. Part of me feels that it's quite unfair already - with how the school is demanding from us when they don't have an effective system for communicating to all. Part of me knows you won't deserrt us.

I'm not sure if I'm still talking nonsense since my eyes are very heavy ow.

Conversation about Polycycstic Ovaries

Right now, I'm still quite anxious with work but I think I'm more relaxed.
The Examen and planning everyday helps me keep grounded and focused.
I still have loads to do but I'm doing it one thing at a time.

I'm trying to give myself a break while still continuing with work.

Anyways, what's been bothering me besides work is my reproductive health.
Haha I feel so awkward sharing it (as guys may be reading this) but I just feel
like writing about it. (just to update my girl friends and for the sake of sharing
my thoughts.) Naman kasi..haha ikaw kaya encourage to marry early because I might have a harder time getting pregnant when I'm older! Eek! Scary talaga. You see I discovered, after visitng my gynecologist that I have polycycstic ovaries. This is a normal ovary type that posts some concerns in the future. I have the possibility of having a hard time getting pregnant, and if I do, there's a possibility I can give birth to twins! =p I like how my doctor really explained what's happening in my body. Every month, only one follicle should get developed into an egg to be released by the ovary which leads to menstruation. The problem with mine is, instead of estrogen focusing on just one follicle to ripen, the estrogen seems to spread throughout the other follicles so it's like I'm growing more than one follicle so it takes a longer time for one to become ripe enough to be released as an egg. (aaahh... so that's how it works ;) )

Anyways, this made me think of prospects (ehehe, weird..very weird I know) for the future. Haha so I'm reconsidering my goals/plans. Hehe my target goal is to find the guy/have a serious relationship by 27. Now, I'm rethinking. I know I should be more open because I've been very uptight but at the same time I don't want to be desperate. I was just bothered by what Rheza told me. That, I should take this seriously, what the gynecologist said. She has a point, in a sense that I know I might regret not having a child when I'm quite already but at the same time I believe that things will eventually fall into place. I shouldn't worry about it. (Actually, nabobother nga ako kasi parang yun iba nagwoworry sa akin, pero ako hindi..as in to the point that I'm already wondering myself, should I worry?)

Well, I'm not. I'm just bothered with him. I realized I still like him. After all, he's the only guy that I came close to having a relationship with. But at the same time, I'm confused. I remember him saying how he liked the song "Ordinary People" by John Legends. I keep on listening to that, and it makes sense. I'm just confused with our quick chats. I'm not sure if he still likes me. I don't know if he's just not making any moves because he's still not over the past issues we've had. He really makes me smile but I don't seem to dream about him. Haha, I know it might be shallow but I seem to find out how much a guy matters to me if I dream about him. I'm honestly lost with my relationship with him. He still has moratorium , up until he ends his service so he's not supposed to have any romantic relationship until next year. =p I don't know if it's a good or bad thing. All I know is I have to sort things out with myself first before I can move on or pursue anything. Meanwhile, I'm thinking should I be open to other guys?

Hehe I think my heart is like diesel, it needs warming up but once it's warmed but it can work well. =p All I know is, I will not get into something I know I would just be wasting my time on but once I've decided on something, papanindigan ko talaga.

Who could You be? Lord, pls. give me a sign.

the Assumption

..gold and white and blue. To your teachings keep us ever true...
Fidelity to duty, love of simplicity...May your spirit be engraven
in our hearts 'til we reach heaven...."

Hehe I realized I've spent more than half my life in Assumption.
Since kinder until high school I studied in that school, there on the hills of Antipolo.
I love that place. It's so full of trees and wide open spaces where we used to run around and play.

My whole reflection on this started when I was trying to recall how I spent my grade school days. How did my teachers behave? What were the things we used to do? What did I look forward to? I remember how I was very carefree when I was younger. I didn't feel any pressure from school. I was excited to listen to the teachers who would ask questions that made us think more. I was happy running around the slopes of grass and trees in campus. I miss seeing the sights everyday on the way to school. I marvelled at the view of Manila, the long fenced place we passed by that was like a country house with a huge field of trees and plants. I enjoyed afternoon rain showers and the simple things we had then.

Then, I started humming the song we had for our graduation that was composed by some of my batchmates. I actually love it.
It goes like this:
"What shall we hold on to when everything is changing?
When we no longer have each other by our side?
When things we lean on begin to crumble..."
Learn to stand your ground.
Staand proud.
Search your heart you will find what is true.
Feel no fear, no more doubts.
We shall walk together in the darkness.
Heads held high, eyes fixed on Christ..."

Now I miss my high school friends.
I stumbled upon one of my high friend's blog. It's been soo long since I last saw her.
I was just thinking of how our world used to be so simple and carefree when we were in the comforts of high school - despite the trials and the pressures then, on hindsight, it was a breeze.

After that, I realized...tomorrow is the Feast of the Assumption of Mary.
It's valuable to go back to one's roots.
Kamusta na kaya ang AA?
Kamusta na kaya ang batchmates ko?
Sana makita ko kahit ang HS barkada ko soon.
It's good to catch up on life with old friends.

It's Nanay's birthday also tom. =) Hope she's happy in heaven.

I'm off. I have to focus and task analyze...what are the things I need to do? I have to prioritize.
Transcendence is the key.
"Work as if everything depended on God. Pray as if everything depended on you."

Papa =)

I was eating breakfast today with my dad and little sister, when I remembered something the night before. I dreamt of my dad. I dreamt he became a teacher - a language teacher/ coordinator with my Language teacher Mrs. Antonio in my grade school. How weird was that? I felt awkward about it at the start (and I was sure that we were going to be on a tight budget because of his new job) but that was it. I felt awkward but I accepted it.

I realized (my subconscious or to make it less analytical/psychological...)my spirit really communicates with me through my dreams. Seeing my dad become a teacher makes me see myself more as a teacher. You see, two people have told me already that I was talking like a military person in class - Mrs. A and Therese, one time when I was becoming strict. It's when I don't accomodate questions anymore and I become authoritarian. It's not something ideal. As a teacher, one has to be authoritative but at the same time understanding and accepting.

I remember before, my dad used to get mad at me because I asked too much questions. I was the only one among us who was very stubborn. =p I always wanted to know why I had to do the things he asked from me before I do it. [On hindsight, I realized my students are like that to me now...=p] He told me that, for soldiers it should be "obey first, before questions." He did have a point - because in an encounter, all soldiers have to listen to what their commander is saying because it's a life and death situation already and it's important to act first and obey- except that I'm no soldier and I'm such an independent thinker at times. I've learned so much from my dad and I think he also discovers things with our relationship. He has given me a chance to decide for myself and to be responsible for my actions. I'm not a sweetie mushy daughter but I can say I'm my dad's daughter.

I think it's my theme for today. The reflection from Kerygma about today's gospel was about being your Father's daughter/son. Anak ka talaga ng tatay mo like what Filipinos sometimes say either to joke around or tease. =p But this time, the point is about being in our Father's image and likeness...being in the image and likeness of God, of Christ.

My dad, I think, was trying to be funny on the way home from the Church today. My little sister, Sandy was sitting in front with my dad when my dad started talking with a weird accent. I couldn't figure out what he was doing but Sandy just kept on laughing and laughing. He was talking with his teeth closed. I didn't really find it funny but I was amused just watching my sister and my dad. Sometimes my dad could be overly serious but I catch him trying to be funny or saying sweet lines out of the blue like last Saturday night I went home late. I bought food for myself already and my dad asked me why I wasn't eating the food at home. Sabi ko..meron pa ba? And he said: syempre, ikaw pa. Just like that. =) My dad is changing before my eyes - or rather how I see him is changing. With that, I believe my self perception is also changing. I believe I'm transcending. Anak talaga ako ng tatay ko and I'm proud of that. I'm proud I'm the daughter of Papa. It gives me strength knowing God is my father and I can follow in His image and likeness.

[Ang sarap ng restful Sunday =) I should give time for myself din, I realized. It's good to slow down once in a while...like every weekend?]

=) Thank you for the restful Sunday, the cool internet sites about LD and teaching stuff, my paradigm shift; eating three times today + one merienda! yay!

Goal by the end of October: gain back the 10 pounds I lost; learn to prioritize; live a healthy lifestyle by eating and drinking more water; relearn taichi; plan every Saturday morning and Wednesday night. yeahba! kaya 'to! =)

things I did today in non-sentence form =p

I just feel like writing down what's been filling up my weekends.

I realized I should give time for myself, rest time, sleep time and all. (thanks to Robbie =p)

Woke up at around 6:30 - 7am I think because of T. Imon's text I used the computer to surft the internet, check e-mail and I fixed my stuff. Fixed the things I needed to do, at around 8:30 changed clothes 9'o clock leave house.. around 9:30 I was at MI. Finished Gr.5 Science exam til around 11:30. Called up house to see how Sandy is doing - found out they'll be go to the doctor
opted to go with them to the doctor - isabelle's monthly check up. Medyo bangag na..went up and down MI to get my stuff, went to shoppers to buy quick lunch. at around 1pm was picked up by the driver with Sandy and Bell. got to Cardinal at around 1:40...waited there until 3pm. Had them checked. went home around 3:45. Left house again at around 4:00 to go to Jescom for CLC young pros. got there at 4:30...the mass ended at around 6pm. had a mtg at CLC center...cels and I left at around 7pm to go to Cubao for Musmos area. Got to cubao at 7:30pm. Left gualagio school, cubao for musmos area at around 8:45. took a trike with Cels to cubao. took a trike home. got home at around 9 pass. ate dinner. and now online. Whew! what a day.

High moments: hugging and reassuring each other - t. imon and i; sharing at the CLC mass; ruthanne's okay today; conversation with cels about career and priorities (i'm considering something new)

those who sow tears, reap seeds of rejoicing =p

Thank you talaga sa PGTB na patuloy nagbibigay patunay sa pagmamahal ng Diyos sa atin.

I was struck with what Andoy and Cels said about trusting God and not expecting for any affirmation that we want for us to pursue the things we are doing. What Cels said was humbling - it's about worrying about other people and wanting to help them when you have to realize, that God's love is greater than anything in the World and you just have to trust hindi ka niya pababayaan.

Rael confidently saying "Ofcourse." to Ate Joy's question about being sure that it stopped raining in their shooting because he prayed, was also stricking. It shows real faith.

I realized I shouldn't take things too seriously. It's also important to find something to laugh about or to be happy about.

Thank you Lord. =)

Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.”

I’m working on divine intervention and God’s bountiful graces. I know without these things I can easily breakdown. Yesterday, I couldn’t control it already and I started crying – the kind of cry when it doesn’t make noise but tears keeps on falling on your cheeks. I was sobbing. I was really hurt ad frustrated. I had to excuse myself from the class and go to the washroom. It was the first time, since I’ve been employed as a teacher in my new school, that I’ve cried that much. Even when I wasn’t feeling well, it was just drops of tears. But, I’ve almost had it already because I get frustrated not being able to teach well because of all the things I have to do. I’m trying my best. I know I am but sometimes it seems like it’s not enough.

What triggered my emotional side was what happened in AP time and Science time. In AP time around nine students went outside because they wanted to read the book instead of listening to the teacher – King, Therese, Fleur, Gino, Martin, Andrei, Miguel S. I really think their becoming very disrespectful and rude but at the same time part of me is saying that they’re not just processed and managed well. Science time, Therese blurted out how I seem to like Gr.5 more since I give games to them and that I hate them and they hate me. It really popped the balloon of tears I’ve been trying to hold in. I don’t hate them at all. Precisely because I’m thinking of them, that’s why I get so stressed. At the same time, I’m thinking of them, that’s why I keep on deciding everyday that I will give my best and just finish this school year because I know how traumatizing or difficult it can be if a teacher leaves a class in the middle of the school year.

Hay, I just feel so anxious, add to the fact that Teacher Imon was absent yesterday. Buti pa nga siya, nakapag-absent na kasi may sakit. Ako, nung may lagnat at sakit pumasok pa rin. She started texting me about being stressed with all the things we had to do to the point of considering resigning. Hay, kami pa nagging partners diba? We’re both new and still adjusting. At the same time, our workload is really heavy. Isipin mo yun, 5 different subject! + may writing pa at homeroom. My schedule is really hectic for the whole day. I don’t get to study the content of all my subjects that well because it’s a lot considering the school’s approach has to be interesting and it uses all the multiple intelligences. I have to be honest with myself. I am having a hard time. The thought of resigning has crossed my mind so many times.

What keeps me coming back and continuing my work is something in me, some strength I never knew I had. Iniisip ko talaga, Diyos lang ang kayang siguraduhin na lahat ay magiging maayos, despite the stress, the pressure and the frustration. After crying my heart out yesterday, I came back to class. I talked to them. Sa totoo, madali lang naman ang kilit ng mga students ko – games. So for Science, before I dismissed them, we had a game as a review of the Respiratory System. Aba, gumana. Lahat sila nakinig. Well, it wasn’t perfectly quiet with all the excitement and bickering because of the game but the students were engaged. I know I’m learning – I’m learning the art of being interesting – just like what it says in Fr. Joseph Landy’s “Letter to a Young Teacher.”

Hay, I can’t wait for Friday. Sana mareview ko ng mabuti ang mga students ko. Waah, paano yun today ko pa lang didiscuss Skeletal System at Rehiyon III. Good luck to me.

Lord, please please give me strength. You are my strength.

“Lord, grant me COURAGE. Lord, grant me STRENGTH. Grant me COMPASSION. That I may be your heart today.”

it's been a while

...since I last wrote down what's been happening to me.
I vaguely or emotionally just write about things.
I want to recollect my thoughts and understand what I'm feeling
and what I'm going through.

Everything seems to be happening so fast, I can seem to stop and reflect.
On the other hand, I still find a need for me to have prayer time at the start and end of the day.
For some reason, I know I'm a different person now, from how I was a few month, years ago.
Spirituality is really important for me.
It's what makes most sense to me.
This reminds me of what Fr. Aruppe said:
"Nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is,than falling in love.."

Anyways, I suddenlly feel sleepy.
I'll write again