Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.

Since there was still no electricity at Ate Joy's place
and a lot of people couldn't go, we didn't have our usual PS.
Instead, Cels, Andoy and I decided to meet up at Gateway.
And, although we didn't really plan to talk about anything,
I still gained insights from our conversation.

Natutuwa ako kay Cels. =p
Hehe. Ang kulit niya. I find it amusing how she gets to find
the funny things in "stress situations."
I miss being like that.
I miss laughing my heart out.
I miss smiling so wide that my eyes squint already. =)

I read in Reader's Digest how laughter is really good for you.
It is a phenomenon. When we laugh, our heart beats faster,
our stomach seems to throw up and our muscles are tense.
It said there how aliens would be clueless to see us laughing.
They might think we're sick but in fact we're having the time of our lives. =p

Minsan di naman kailangan dibdibin ang lahat.
I've noticed how I've become very melodramatic [if not melancholic].
But now, I catch myself smiling.
Tinatawa ko na lang ang kakulitan ng kids ko..hehe
I laugh at the awkwardness of situations.
I giggle secretly because of funny realizations.

"Hay" - one of my common words now.
Soon to be replaced with - haha, hehe, (giggles)
=p

Another thing, I'm reading the Valkyries again.
It's about conversing with one's angel.
Sometimes, our angels use people to talk to us.
I think mine usually does. Hehe ako kasi yun type na
gusto ko nakikita ko, naririnig ko, nararamdaman ko.
Ang galing lang. It's called "channeling."
I'm really grateful for this.

I think PGTB has been an instrument of my angel many times.
=p

I still have a lot to do.
Mixed emotions are lingering in my heart.
But, with Light I can start.

[kulit ng isa kong student...he asked me: teacher, are you considering "retiring"? hehe pinatulan ko naman, and I said: to be honest with you, I am. hehe retire na ba talaga? as in never to teach? =p hmm ewan ko... kapag mahal mo ang isang bagay, kahit na mahirap, naisip ko, babalik-balikan mo pa rin...pero babalik ako kapag alam kong handa na talaga ako]

hehe ang sama =p Owange and I were saying how we wanted UST to win in the 2nd game so we can watch the 3rd game...and I think it happened. =p Sana naman mapanood talaga namin yun 3rd game. Good luck naman! I'm off. I need to hocus focus, bogus. haha labo. ;p

inner light

I am continuosly being shaken.
I need to find my inner light, the one that has been drowned out
by fear, anxiety, stress and all the mixed emotions.

I need to find my voice, my inner voice, the voice that
yearns to sing, to love, to be free.

Music is therapy. =)
[I had a blast going to Fessta Bossa last Friday. The combination of Sitti with her band and the Bloomfields was one of a kind.]
I want to discover my inner dance, my inner rythm.

Let me be aware.
Let not my emotions overpower me.

Healing's from within...
Like what my friend said, ordinary things happen everyday. Miracles, they also happen..it only takes longer to happen, but it does.

Hay, Lord. Patience. Courage. Strength. Light.
Silence and Stillness.
Love.

something I stumbled upon

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke

Lord,
Salamat sa lahat ng taong nagmamahal sa akin. Sila ang nagbibigay lakas sa nagdaramdam ko ngpuso at naguguluhan kong damdamin.

[Excuse, my melodramatic words... I'm just really in desolation. It helps me to release it. But, I am at peace.]

Mahal ko ang pamilya ko.
Mahal ko ang PGTB.

I am still discovering myself.
I am an on-going process.

Value for the week: Loving oneself

Sa pag-iisip ko sa iba, nakalimutan ko na kung sino ako.
Sa pakikinig ko sa mga inaabot, tumatalsik, tinatapon, at sinasabing mga salita ng iba, nabingi ako sa sariling boses ko.
Sa patuloy na paglalakad, na walang paghinto miski para alamin kung nasaan na ako, lalo akong naliligaw at bumabagal.

Hindi pa ito tapos.
Hindi pa ako tapos.

To pause while continuously moving...

resignation

I've been troubled and burdened for the longest time.
I know I still have a lot to learn in being an effective teacher.
I've conditioned my mind to think that it's a skill that can be learned.
Yes, it is true but at the same time I realized I haven't been listening well to myself nor to what my body is saying to me. Maybe, teaching is not for me NOW.

No wonder, my kids keep on telling me I don't listen to them. How could I listen to them properly when I can't even listen to my inner self?

My family is very concerned with my health. So far, I think I've lost 10 pounds from last year. I tried weighing myself and I'm 105 lbs, compared to 115lbs. last year. Like what I've mentioned - the polycystic nature of my ovaries is in a wreck, my throat is normally sore and I usually feel this heaviness on my chest. I'm emotionally and physically tired but I am stubborn.

I needed for someone outside of my family, someone I trusted to tell me honestly about it. I went to Loyola house last night to talk to Fr.Dan Mcnamarra. He told me that I have to take care of myself. I told him how I thought it could be the angel of darkness discouraging me from teaching but he said it could be the opposite - that the angel of darkness is working on my stubborness and pride. Why don't I want to resign anyway? Is it really because of the kids? I realized, me being their teacher isn't helping much and like what Tito Tom said, I can't give what I don't have and if I can't take care of myself properly, how can I take care of my students properly?

I'm reading the 7 habits again - this time I'm enjoying each page. I like the part where it asks us to assess our deep-seated motives on the things we do. It talks about principles as well. Hay, humility. I pray for humility. I pray for strength. I'll do my best to fix everything first then I'll file my resignation. As difficult as it may be, I have to do this - if not for myself and my pride, I'll do it for my family, friends and my life.

(Syempre Fr.Dan asked me if I had a boyfriend. He said that maybe he'll tell me that too and that I would listen. I thought of one guy friend of mine but he's not encouraging me to resign, more of discern. Then I remembered him -_- again! Weird. I just recalled how I would vent out stuff to him and he would give his opinion and it would really matter to me. I'm clueless if he's moved on or not but I'm not expecting. That's just how I feel now. At least I don't regret anything. He knows everything. Nakakamiss lang magkaroon ng ganung lakas galing sa kanya. Lord, Kayo na Bahala.)

Change and Light

=)

Three points that struck me in our sharing this Friday.
1) Openness - (frm Andoy) I realized I shouldn't expect my students just to learn and change because of me. I learn and change WITH them. I'm learning. I'm changing. Masalimuot ang paglalakbay pero may masidhing paghahangad. (hehe I like using this word, like in our Philo discussions in college)
2) Connected is what Cels said about being at peace then feeling fear again through the change process..and surrendering. I can recall a part in her sharing about not really being sure if you really desire it but finding out it's really what you desire and lifting it up to Christ.
3) Being patient with one's self (not being too hard on yourself) - in the change process, we all learn from experience. The important thing is not to be jaded and trapped in a cycle. (my own insight from the sharing)

hay, Lord.
Hilumin mo..aking sugatang puso.

"Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I like the movie I watched halfway to the end on Disney channel. It's about a girl who could talk to dolphins and who was close to her grandfather. I liked her conversation with her grandfather about death. Her grandfather was saying how he liked storms and how death is just like a storm. It's just natural. It made me recall one of my favorite song "Lullaby for a Stormy Night." Real Nice. =)

Going to Baseco, Manila tom to the GK Batang Bayani site. Whoopee! Hehe Stress nanaman ito sa dami ng gagawin but like what one of my friends said, it's when you're in things like this that you feel most alive. Awareness is the key to effectivity! =p

patience, self talk and loving yourself

Hayayay. Patience! Patience talaga.

Whew. All the things I have to absorb...
I shouldn't.
I should just listen, understand and let it flow.

I know my students are naturally good.
I'm just stressed with the boys and how crazy they could get.
Hay - wrestling and paper balls.
But I know, deep down inside they just want to be loved.
Cheesy, but true.
You can see it in their eyes.
I just feel bad that I haven't shown that to them.
Well, like what Tito Tom said (I haven't written about my conversation with him, but it's very insightful), I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Experiences are the best teachers.

It's okay, Raquel. I know that you're trying you're best. ;)
Learn from mistakes and overcome it.
Kaya naman eh. =)
Magtiwala ka lang sa Diyos at sa sarili mo.
Take it easy. RELAX. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Don't get jaded. Everyday is a chance to change.
Smile. =) Laugh. =p
Be aware. Be there. =p
Hehe

Sabi nga sa Bible, "Love your neighbors as you love yourself."
I'll have to start by loving myself properly.
I pray that I'll see myself as God sees me.
I pray that I'l be more loving to my students even if ang kukulit nila! =p

Now, it's relaxing bath time to treat myself after a long day at work =)

One day at a time Lord. One day at a time.

I pray for people who need prayers the most.
My cousin whose depressed, Nikki C. - may he rest in peace.
Amen.