love and orexis

After, some short reflections...I admit, I am still learning to truly love.

Some things that made me realize this...

As I was walking home from school, I thought of what name I wanted to call myself to describe what I'm going through right now. After reading how Elijah renamed himself Liberation, in rebuilding the city of Akbar in the book Fifth Mountain, just for the heck of it I wanted to do the same. One word, I've stumbled upon in Philosophy class previously hit me. "Orexis" - masidhing paghahangad, masalimuot na paghahanap.

(Okay shift mode to Pilosopiya...) Naalala ko pa nung sumulat ako ng papel tungkol sa mga napagmunimunihan ko sa talakayan namin. Ang Orexis noon ay inilapat sa kahulugang masidhing paghahangad at masalimuot na paghahanap na tumpak na aking nadarama ngayon.

Although after searching the web about this word, I was quite disappointed (imagine this word being used in all those oh so disturbing sexual stuff?!) I think this describes a bit of what I am experiencing right now. I realized that I want to keep the fire burning in me - that passion to find meaning in my life, to live out my innermost desires, what I truly love.

Following one's true desires is not as simple as it sounds. A listening heart is needed. I'm in the process. I have tried to follow my innermost desires but the "unavoidable" happens. Masalimuot talaga, pero may matinding paghahangad na matagpuan ang tunay na nasa kalooban.

Hay, I was close to tears again in one of my classes. I feel like I don't even deserve to be called a teacher when I see how this section is falling apart in my class. It just sucks. I try. I do. But it's not enough. Concrete steps have to be taken. Right now, part of me still has all the frustrating emotions. I need to pray over it. I don't want to be distracted. I need to be more aware.

Another experience that hit me today was what I dreamt of last night. It was weird. I dreamt that I lost some of my loved ones. They died in my dream and I'm not exactly sure how I felt. It felt empty. I felt the same way I felt when I was at my lola's wake almost two years ago. I don't know exactly what it means. I think reading an e-mail from my friend about expressing how you feel to your loved ones before it's too late got me dreaming of that.

I have to face my issues. I need to open up and reach out. I need to trust more even if honestly it's hard. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to trust because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I don't want to express my emotions because I don't want to seem weak. I don't want to admit I care because if you knew how much I did, I won't be in control. I don't want to admit how hurt I am because it just hurts more. I try to be numb but I'm not. I'm as real as anyone else. Hayayay, one step at a time.

I know we're not yet ready for us. But I'm trying to remove other distractions. I'm not sure if I'm in the right path.


"True Colors" is my song for the day. =p

whew. emotions. Quiet moments, just with the Lord keeps me steady.

"Be the change you wish to see in this world" -Gandhi
Yes, Lord. I'm trying. I'm battling. Veritatem Amare et Vivere! ;)

learning from my students

I've made my a blog that my students can visit.
It's this. I registered as a different user so they won't get to access this blog hopefully.

Anyways, here's an example of what I learn from my boys.

Me: Zavier, John said you "hate" me. Why?
Zavier: I don't know.
Me: Honestly, c'mon. Think about it. There must be a reason.
Zavier: I don't know. (pause) Eh, it's because you don't always do what you say...like the groupings for the oral piece....

This struck me. Hay, I really have to build my credibility with my boys. I have to do everything I say - it's about keeping my word. Ohwells. What's done is done. What's left is for me to do something now.

this serves a reminder

Everyday =)

some things to reflect on: teacher mode :)

Making the field fertile
The Zen master entrusted the disciple with looking after the rice paddy. In the first year, the disciple watched to make sure that the necessary water was never missing; the rice grew strong and the harvest was good. In the second year, he had the idea of adding a little fertiliser, the rice grew fast and the harvest was bigger. In the third year, he used more fertiliser. The harvest was still bigger, but the rice sprouted small and lacklustre. - If you continue increasing the amount of manure, you will have nothing worth having next year – said the master. “You strengthen someone when you help a little. But you weaken someone if you help a lot.”

Sakto lang. =) Although it so easy to say, it's not that simple to do. There are grey areas but what's important is to listen to your heart.

Would anyone know the difference
A father took his two boys to play mini-golf. At the ticket office he wanted to know the price. - Five coins for adults, three for those over six years. Under six years entry is free. - One of them is three, the other seven. I’ll pay for the oldest. - You are silly – said the ticket seller. You could have saved three coins, saying that the oldest was under six; I would never have known the difference. - That may be, but the boys would know. And they would remember the bad example for ever.

I have to agree. Kids really know the difference. Hay, the pressure. But at the same time, I'm glad of the growth in me. I'm learning from my students.

cathy you should try answering this ;)

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal.You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk. You should major in: PhilosophyMusicTheologyArtHistoryForeign language

What Should You Major In?

good luck with the ACET results! ;) I believe in you sis! Basta, God's will. =)

anxious, hopeful, discerning

Whew. After listening to my sister talk about her wonderful experience with all the emotions, I feel overwhelmed. I'm sincerely happy for her. =) However, I also have my own web of emotions and feelings to deal with - a skip of the heartbeat, pain in the head, uneasiness, floating feeling and so on. So, here I am now writing. It helps me clear my thoughts. It helps me focus.

I don't know where to start. I think this year would entail lots of discernment.

I have to move on. I have to move forward. What is in store for me? What am I meant to become?

I watched "Chicken Little." I like it. =)
"All I need is a chance..." Love, Trust.

I'm anxious about things in school. It's observation season and I always have to be prepared. Although half of the week, I felt good about how my kids are becoming less rowdy in my class, I couldn't help but feel real bad at the end of the week with the 3rd quarter Evaluations. Six boys failed in my class from 4-G and two boys from 4-A. Yes, I know that part of it was my fault. The class was too noisy for learning to be able to take place. I just can't help but be affected because of what some people tell me. I suppose part of it is true but I know I can do better and I'm doing better. Their frustration with me does not help at all. It's not as if their the ones that are having a hard time. I know. I'm struggling. I'm trying to do my best to improve my classroom management. Nakakainis lang kasi sila pa yung naiinis at nasestress. Hay. Well atleast now, I've released that emotion.

On the other hand, I'm still quite hopeful. I know I can do better and I'm doing concrete things to be better. I'm reading books that could help me. Hay. I need light.

On other matters, I've been having all sorts of dreams lately. I remember some of them but not all. I don't know what they mean. I just pray that I'll see things clearly.


I respect people's decisions. I respect your decision. One way to find out if true love waits is to experience it so let's see. I'm not rushing. I'm still discerning. My heart skips a beat... =) and the song "Feelin the same way" plays in my head.

Now, things to do: - take a bath, do LP on writing a letter of complaint, plan out the lessons for the week, sleep by 9:30pm. Wake up by 5am. Pray. Eat bread. Take a bath. Go to school (by 6am) and so on. Ok, it's game time. =) Luceat lux!
I'm off!