love and orexis

After, some short reflections...I admit, I am still learning to truly love.

Some things that made me realize this...

As I was walking home from school, I thought of what name I wanted to call myself to describe what I'm going through right now. After reading how Elijah renamed himself Liberation, in rebuilding the city of Akbar in the book Fifth Mountain, just for the heck of it I wanted to do the same. One word, I've stumbled upon in Philosophy class previously hit me. "Orexis" - masidhing paghahangad, masalimuot na paghahanap.

(Okay shift mode to Pilosopiya...) Naalala ko pa nung sumulat ako ng papel tungkol sa mga napagmunimunihan ko sa talakayan namin. Ang Orexis noon ay inilapat sa kahulugang masidhing paghahangad at masalimuot na paghahanap na tumpak na aking nadarama ngayon.

Although after searching the web about this word, I was quite disappointed (imagine this word being used in all those oh so disturbing sexual stuff?!) I think this describes a bit of what I am experiencing right now. I realized that I want to keep the fire burning in me - that passion to find meaning in my life, to live out my innermost desires, what I truly love.

Following one's true desires is not as simple as it sounds. A listening heart is needed. I'm in the process. I have tried to follow my innermost desires but the "unavoidable" happens. Masalimuot talaga, pero may matinding paghahangad na matagpuan ang tunay na nasa kalooban.

Hay, I was close to tears again in one of my classes. I feel like I don't even deserve to be called a teacher when I see how this section is falling apart in my class. It just sucks. I try. I do. But it's not enough. Concrete steps have to be taken. Right now, part of me still has all the frustrating emotions. I need to pray over it. I don't want to be distracted. I need to be more aware.

Another experience that hit me today was what I dreamt of last night. It was weird. I dreamt that I lost some of my loved ones. They died in my dream and I'm not exactly sure how I felt. It felt empty. I felt the same way I felt when I was at my lola's wake almost two years ago. I don't know exactly what it means. I think reading an e-mail from my friend about expressing how you feel to your loved ones before it's too late got me dreaming of that.

I have to face my issues. I need to open up and reach out. I need to trust more even if honestly it's hard. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to trust because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I don't want to express my emotions because I don't want to seem weak. I don't want to admit I care because if you knew how much I did, I won't be in control. I don't want to admit how hurt I am because it just hurts more. I try to be numb but I'm not. I'm as real as anyone else. Hayayay, one step at a time.

I know we're not yet ready for us. But I'm trying to remove other distractions. I'm not sure if I'm in the right path.


"True Colors" is my song for the day. =p

whew. emotions. Quiet moments, just with the Lord keeps me steady.

"Be the change you wish to see in this world" -Gandhi
Yes, Lord. I'm trying. I'm battling. Veritatem Amare et Vivere! ;)