New Year's Reflection

Dec. 31, 2006

Last night we heard mass in UP Diliman. Although, I was kind of sleepy from the lack of sleep of the past day, I was able to listen to some of the good points of the priest’s homily. Instead of making the usual New Year’s resolution, he suggested that we do a different kind of examen. I figured out that he was a Jesuit priest with the way he delivered his homily. I knew he was talking about the consciousness examen. I, personally, try to practice this because it helps me become more aware of my thoughts, emotions and behavior since I have the tendency to get distracted. I thought it just fitting, that after a year of striving to do the consciousness examen and struggling with myself, that I end it and start a new year, with the same kind of reflection. And so, I begin. (In posting this online, I hope to share this kind of self-assessment and prayer to everyone.)

First, I pray for light. I find it vital that I start by clearing my mind, silencing the noise in me. I try to relax and let go of all the voices I hear in my mind -this and that, the shoulds, the musts, the what ifs. I try to focus on the concrete, on what I feel, on what is really happening in me.

Second step is thanksgiving. What are the things this year that I am grateful for?

Going back through my experiences the whole year, I can say this has definitely been a year of a lot of firsts in my life, besides the year that I nearly lost my life.

I’m grateful for the spiritual and emotional growth I have experienced throughout all the ordeals I’ve had (my struggle as a first year teacher, family matters, my resignation.) I am grateful for the people who have been blessings to me this year.

I am grateful to Trina, Vannie, Amits and Kar for being my friends in Xavier. I appreciate Trina’s straightforward, honest and just attitude. I am thankful for Vannie’s caring and thoughtful nature. I thank Amits for all our insightful conversations. I’m grateful to Kar for her smiley, friendly attitude. I am grateful to Mrs. A, Ms. Flora, Mr. Magsalin, Mrs. Dairo, Mrs. Rosy Baquirin and all the veteran teachers who have shared so many insights with me. I am grateful to them for believing in me and teaching me. I am grateful for my whole Xavier teaching experience – for my 4-A and 4-G boys, my CLC Xavier unitmates with Je as our guide, the chance to learn so much.

I am thankful for the gift of PGTB to me. Without my CLC unitmates, I would not be able to handle all the spiritual and emotional battles I’ve encountered throughout the year. They have become my second home, my rock. They have become good friends I treasure so much.
I am grateful to Andrei, in particular for having faith in me and giving me strength to continue my passion for teaching kids.
I am grateful to Joy for her companionship, for our talks, long walks and recollections together. I value her insights.
For Cha, Steph, Veej, Faye, Trina for being the perfect unitmates and Ate Joy for being the perfect guide. I am grateful for each moment we share with each other – from the prayer sessions, eating, singing, laughing, and crying. Maraming maraming salamat talaga. I really treasure you guys.

I am also grateful to my two bestest friends – Rheza and Orange. I am thankful for their company.
Thank you Rheza for loving me despite our differences. Thank you for believing in me and for trusting me. It is my honor to be your best friend. Marami na talaga tayong pinagsamahan.Love you!
Thank you Orange for being my girlfriend. Hehe I’m grateful for our out of the blue honest updates about each other’s lives; for the ramblings, insights, excitement, shopping, sleepovers and many more things we’ve shared together, Salamat.Alabshyu!

I am thankful for the gift of family. I am happy that we are all together again after four years of being apart from each other. I am grateful that Mommy and Papa are better now. I thank God for giving our family the resiliency to go beyond our problems. I am grateful for Isabelle. She is truly a gift from God. Every smile and giggle she makes, removes all our stress and weariness. She is our angel.
I am grateful for Ate Jack’s advices and words of encouragement.
I am grateful for Anne’s faith sharing with me.
I thank Cathy for her idealism, which, reminds me of my own youth.
I am thankful for Sandy for our moments together, for the trust that she has given me and the way she respects me.

I am thankful for the gift of my MI experience – for my Grade 4 class, my Grade 4 parents and all the insights I’ve learned from working there. Thank you for the little things my students do that serve as signs of hope for me to teach them better. Thank you for Fleur, Anton, Mig B., Azul, King, Andrei, Cody, Martin, Dale, Avielle, Sharun, Darwin, Nico H, Kyle, Kite, Marjan, Therese, Gio, Carlo, Sophia, Jerome, Nico S. Miguel S, Ysabelle and Gino. They have given more meaning to my life this 2006. I am grateful for the chance to be their teacher. I am grateful for their resiliency and insights.

I am grateful for the gift of old and new friendships.
I’m grateful that I am still friends with Jerick. I thank God for him for introducing me to Gawad Kalinga Batang Bayani.
I am grateful for my new nature-loving greenpeace friend Densio for sharing our struggles following our passions.
I am grateful for the once in a blue moon talks and updates with Louie Pox, my lil bro.
I feel blessed to know Eric who I find amusing and insightful.
I am thankful for T.Imon’s sincere friendship, for being my partner and most trusted friend in MI.
I am glad that Jay and Teej still make time to meet up with us despite our busy lives.
I’m thankful for Migmol for being like an older brother to me.
I appreciate conversations with Rico that make me feel better when I feel sad.
I appreciate Congee for still being a good friend despite our own busy lives.
I appreciate lunch, movie or dinner dates with old friends like Nikki and Shaly.
I am happy to meet up high school friends and fellow Strainers.

I am thankful for the chance to share the love I have received to others – for Musmos, for accepting me to join their organization to help out Cubao kids like Ruthanne, Ella and Joanne.

Truly, this year has been a blessing to me.

Third step, I need to focus on what I am feeling. What strong emotions have I felt the whole year?

The first half of the year has been a very emotional year for me. I felt so stretched pyschologically, mentally and even physically that I know it has changed me. Teaching, for me, has been a journey to self discovery and transcendence for me. Despite my frustrations and unfulfilled ideals, I feel at peace praying and lifting everything to God. I’ve learned that it is not just the end product but more so the process of struggling with one’s self that I have grown as a person. I’ve been excited and hopeful about teaching, about inspiring young minds. The whole clash between self and others. I realized you cannot teach something you do not have and so I try to go beyond myself. I try to learn more.

This year has definitely been the year I’ve experienced my first major heartbreak. After falling in love with the idea of teaching, I was faced with the fact that I needed to work hard for it, that it won’t just fall into place. It is not a gift that I just open up and enjoy. After struggling with it, the possibility that I might not be meant to teach kids right now, left me heartbroken. I’ve gone beyond “happy endings” and fairy tales. I have discovered that what is important is what you do in the present. There is hope in the ability to change if we move beyond the past and do something in the present to create our future. I learned that when things don’t work out the first or second time, it does not mean it’s not for you. Maybe, it’s not just for you right now.

I’ve learned so much after going through a roller coaster ride of emotions. I’ve learned to be tougher, to be more firm and honest with myself while respecting everyone despite our differences. I learned that family is something I cannot live without. I discovered that that the best way to inspire and teach others is to be their role model. I learned that how and what you think affects what you do (self-fulfilling prophecy talaga). Self awareness and self discipline is something we should continuously struggle with. Love transcends barriers. Praying well is the best way to overcome difficulties. (Pray as if everything depended on you. Work as if everything on God.) Patience is a virtue that one should practice with one’s self and others. You can learn so much about life through children.

Fourth step, I try to focus on a strong feeling.

I’m still in the continuous process of discernment but I pray that I’ll be able to live out all the learnings I got from my experiences in 2006. Sabi nga nila, if it doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger. Cliché but true. I felt, this year, I died within myself but by dying I felt more alive. I am sorry for all my shortcomings particularly as a teacher, but I have faith that things will get better. My mistakes will not be in vain because it will lead me to be the best teacher I can be.

2006 was truly a year full of wonderful graces. Despite all the tears I have wept this year, I have never experienced so much peace, love and hope as I have experienced this year. I have never realized how much strength I had in me to overcome all the changes and trials that has passed. I've learned so much.

Last but nonetheless importance step in the examen is to ask yourself: “What lies ahead? How about my future?

I am looking forward to a new year full of exciting adventures and blessings

Things I need to discern: What I will do after my teaching stint in MI

à Will I teach again? Will I pursue my MA?

I plan to take the licensure exam for teachers this year. I plan to save up money for the future. I am looking forward to taking a break from two full years of teaching but I also hope to apply what I’ve learned in this two years. There’s still a lot of time for me to think about that.

As of now, I need to focus on doing my very best in the last few months that I will be with my Grade Four students. I will make sure that even if they don’t get to memorize all the details about the regions I teach them in Social Studies, that they will respect and value our country. I pray that I’ll be able to teach them the value of respect and self-control before the year ends. So today, I will do lesson planning and go through our classroom management routines.

I will also make the most out of the Educ elective on Early Childhood education that I’m taking this sem. I am looking forward to my Saturday classes.

I am also looking forward to my flute lessons.

I hope that through the variety of things I’m doing, I’ll be able to practice self discipline and time management.

Lord, thank you for a new year full of hope and joy.
Life is more meaningful when I have You around. Life is more meaningful when there is Love.