New Year's Reflection

Dec. 31, 2006

Last night we heard mass in UP Diliman. Although, I was kind of sleepy from the lack of sleep of the past day, I was able to listen to some of the good points of the priest’s homily. Instead of making the usual New Year’s resolution, he suggested that we do a different kind of examen. I figured out that he was a Jesuit priest with the way he delivered his homily. I knew he was talking about the consciousness examen. I, personally, try to practice this because it helps me become more aware of my thoughts, emotions and behavior since I have the tendency to get distracted. I thought it just fitting, that after a year of striving to do the consciousness examen and struggling with myself, that I end it and start a new year, with the same kind of reflection. And so, I begin. (In posting this online, I hope to share this kind of self-assessment and prayer to everyone.)

First, I pray for light. I find it vital that I start by clearing my mind, silencing the noise in me. I try to relax and let go of all the voices I hear in my mind -this and that, the shoulds, the musts, the what ifs. I try to focus on the concrete, on what I feel, on what is really happening in me.

Second step is thanksgiving. What are the things this year that I am grateful for?

Going back through my experiences the whole year, I can say this has definitely been a year of a lot of firsts in my life, besides the year that I nearly lost my life.

I’m grateful for the spiritual and emotional growth I have experienced throughout all the ordeals I’ve had (my struggle as a first year teacher, family matters, my resignation.) I am grateful for the people who have been blessings to me this year.

I am grateful to Trina, Vannie, Amits and Kar for being my friends in Xavier. I appreciate Trina’s straightforward, honest and just attitude. I am thankful for Vannie’s caring and thoughtful nature. I thank Amits for all our insightful conversations. I’m grateful to Kar for her smiley, friendly attitude. I am grateful to Mrs. A, Ms. Flora, Mr. Magsalin, Mrs. Dairo, Mrs. Rosy Baquirin and all the veteran teachers who have shared so many insights with me. I am grateful to them for believing in me and teaching me. I am grateful for my whole Xavier teaching experience – for my 4-A and 4-G boys, my CLC Xavier unitmates with Je as our guide, the chance to learn so much.

I am thankful for the gift of PGTB to me. Without my CLC unitmates, I would not be able to handle all the spiritual and emotional battles I’ve encountered throughout the year. They have become my second home, my rock. They have become good friends I treasure so much.
I am grateful to Andrei, in particular for having faith in me and giving me strength to continue my passion for teaching kids.
I am grateful to Joy for her companionship, for our talks, long walks and recollections together. I value her insights.
For Cha, Steph, Veej, Faye, Trina for being the perfect unitmates and Ate Joy for being the perfect guide. I am grateful for each moment we share with each other – from the prayer sessions, eating, singing, laughing, and crying. Maraming maraming salamat talaga. I really treasure you guys.

I am also grateful to my two bestest friends – Rheza and Orange. I am thankful for their company.
Thank you Rheza for loving me despite our differences. Thank you for believing in me and for trusting me. It is my honor to be your best friend. Marami na talaga tayong pinagsamahan.Love you!
Thank you Orange for being my girlfriend. Hehe I’m grateful for our out of the blue honest updates about each other’s lives; for the ramblings, insights, excitement, shopping, sleepovers and many more things we’ve shared together, Salamat.Alabshyu!

I am thankful for the gift of family. I am happy that we are all together again after four years of being apart from each other. I am grateful that Mommy and Papa are better now. I thank God for giving our family the resiliency to go beyond our problems. I am grateful for Isabelle. She is truly a gift from God. Every smile and giggle she makes, removes all our stress and weariness. She is our angel.
I am grateful for Ate Jack’s advices and words of encouragement.
I am grateful for Anne’s faith sharing with me.
I thank Cathy for her idealism, which, reminds me of my own youth.
I am thankful for Sandy for our moments together, for the trust that she has given me and the way she respects me.

I am thankful for the gift of my MI experience – for my Grade 4 class, my Grade 4 parents and all the insights I’ve learned from working there. Thank you for the little things my students do that serve as signs of hope for me to teach them better. Thank you for Fleur, Anton, Mig B., Azul, King, Andrei, Cody, Martin, Dale, Avielle, Sharun, Darwin, Nico H, Kyle, Kite, Marjan, Therese, Gio, Carlo, Sophia, Jerome, Nico S. Miguel S, Ysabelle and Gino. They have given more meaning to my life this 2006. I am grateful for the chance to be their teacher. I am grateful for their resiliency and insights.

I am grateful for the gift of old and new friendships.
I’m grateful that I am still friends with Jerick. I thank God for him for introducing me to Gawad Kalinga Batang Bayani.
I am grateful for my new nature-loving greenpeace friend Densio for sharing our struggles following our passions.
I am grateful for the once in a blue moon talks and updates with Louie Pox, my lil bro.
I feel blessed to know Eric who I find amusing and insightful.
I am thankful for T.Imon’s sincere friendship, for being my partner and most trusted friend in MI.
I am glad that Jay and Teej still make time to meet up with us despite our busy lives.
I’m thankful for Migmol for being like an older brother to me.
I appreciate conversations with Rico that make me feel better when I feel sad.
I appreciate Congee for still being a good friend despite our own busy lives.
I appreciate lunch, movie or dinner dates with old friends like Nikki and Shaly.
I am happy to meet up high school friends and fellow Strainers.

I am thankful for the chance to share the love I have received to others – for Musmos, for accepting me to join their organization to help out Cubao kids like Ruthanne, Ella and Joanne.

Truly, this year has been a blessing to me.

Third step, I need to focus on what I am feeling. What strong emotions have I felt the whole year?

The first half of the year has been a very emotional year for me. I felt so stretched pyschologically, mentally and even physically that I know it has changed me. Teaching, for me, has been a journey to self discovery and transcendence for me. Despite my frustrations and unfulfilled ideals, I feel at peace praying and lifting everything to God. I’ve learned that it is not just the end product but more so the process of struggling with one’s self that I have grown as a person. I’ve been excited and hopeful about teaching, about inspiring young minds. The whole clash between self and others. I realized you cannot teach something you do not have and so I try to go beyond myself. I try to learn more.

This year has definitely been the year I’ve experienced my first major heartbreak. After falling in love with the idea of teaching, I was faced with the fact that I needed to work hard for it, that it won’t just fall into place. It is not a gift that I just open up and enjoy. After struggling with it, the possibility that I might not be meant to teach kids right now, left me heartbroken. I’ve gone beyond “happy endings” and fairy tales. I have discovered that what is important is what you do in the present. There is hope in the ability to change if we move beyond the past and do something in the present to create our future. I learned that when things don’t work out the first or second time, it does not mean it’s not for you. Maybe, it’s not just for you right now.

I’ve learned so much after going through a roller coaster ride of emotions. I’ve learned to be tougher, to be more firm and honest with myself while respecting everyone despite our differences. I learned that family is something I cannot live without. I discovered that that the best way to inspire and teach others is to be their role model. I learned that how and what you think affects what you do (self-fulfilling prophecy talaga). Self awareness and self discipline is something we should continuously struggle with. Love transcends barriers. Praying well is the best way to overcome difficulties. (Pray as if everything depended on you. Work as if everything on God.) Patience is a virtue that one should practice with one’s self and others. You can learn so much about life through children.

Fourth step, I try to focus on a strong feeling.

I’m still in the continuous process of discernment but I pray that I’ll be able to live out all the learnings I got from my experiences in 2006. Sabi nga nila, if it doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger. Cliché but true. I felt, this year, I died within myself but by dying I felt more alive. I am sorry for all my shortcomings particularly as a teacher, but I have faith that things will get better. My mistakes will not be in vain because it will lead me to be the best teacher I can be.

2006 was truly a year full of wonderful graces. Despite all the tears I have wept this year, I have never experienced so much peace, love and hope as I have experienced this year. I have never realized how much strength I had in me to overcome all the changes and trials that has passed. I've learned so much.

Last but nonetheless importance step in the examen is to ask yourself: “What lies ahead? How about my future?

I am looking forward to a new year full of exciting adventures and blessings

Things I need to discern: What I will do after my teaching stint in MI

à Will I teach again? Will I pursue my MA?

I plan to take the licensure exam for teachers this year. I plan to save up money for the future. I am looking forward to taking a break from two full years of teaching but I also hope to apply what I’ve learned in this two years. There’s still a lot of time for me to think about that.

As of now, I need to focus on doing my very best in the last few months that I will be with my Grade Four students. I will make sure that even if they don’t get to memorize all the details about the regions I teach them in Social Studies, that they will respect and value our country. I pray that I’ll be able to teach them the value of respect and self-control before the year ends. So today, I will do lesson planning and go through our classroom management routines.

I will also make the most out of the Educ elective on Early Childhood education that I’m taking this sem. I am looking forward to my Saturday classes.

I am also looking forward to my flute lessons.

I hope that through the variety of things I’m doing, I’ll be able to practice self discipline and time management.

Lord, thank you for a new year full of hope and joy.
Life is more meaningful when I have You around. Life is more meaningful when there is Love.

my stupid mouth and meeting high school friends

..has got me in trouble. I said to much again, to a date over dinner yesterday.
And I could see he was offended, he said well, anyway. Just dying for subject change.
Oh, I'm never speaking up again..."

Can I just say that I only tease people I am amused with?
That should be my disclaimer when I make side comments.
I think I might have offended the Blind, Christmas time
because I was too harsh with my teasing.

Oh well, Get over it. Raquel. ;) Hehe this is my last release
after "killing" myself over the tactless I did.
There are other more important things I should be thinking about.
If he gets over the teasing, well then good. (Bahala na)
I'll just be natural.

Anyways, I enjoyed seeing long lost high school friends.
It's been ages since I last saw Jean Margaret. =)
I'm happy we got to meet up today although it ate up my time to prepare for school.

Oh wells, noel. I need to reflect. I need to settle down.
I need to focus and work.
Enough of the worrying and daydreaming.
It's time to be real. It's time to be aware.
It's time to do something.

Weird, how I now know 3 people who lost their grandparent this Christmas.
Morbid: I was thinking, it would actually be nice to die after celebrating something like Christmas with your loved ones. I think I would die happy then.

Anyways, enough of that. I need to sleep in order to wake up early.

Eek...alcohol alert. Yesterday, drank 1 can of san mig light, 1 can of pale pilsen (hehe not really a drinker but there wasn't any water around! the cold drinks in can were so tempting..so I took one..not like I intend to be drunk). Today, drank 2 1/2 bottles of san mig light. Nyak. Oks lang naman siguro yun. It's not like I do it often. And it's not something really bad or sinful..diba? As long as you do it moderately. So for the STrains party this Friday, I think I'll have to cut down on that. More talking, less drinking. Hehe better for me. ;)

Eek. Money talk.

I feel a need to reflect and to write my thoughts.
I've experienced many insightful things the past few weeks (actually the whole year!) and I find it valuable to write them down to remember and to be more aware of them.

I'm amused with talking to friends. I feel light hearted and enlightened.
I'm grateful for my family. I love each one of them.

I'm dying to travel and go to the beach.
I want to discover all the wonderful places in the Philippines.
I feel jealous with my friends who have been to all these nice sites.
I am itching to explore the World.
(But I don't have the budget..so one of my goals is to save up money for travel! =) )
Actually, recently, I've been on a very tight budget. (I know for others, it might not be as tight but with all the things I want to do, sometimes it's just not enough.) Hm, right after writing it, I feel ashamed. I know a lot of people around me can do so much with the amount I get as my salary. It's just that I want to do so much and it costs too much.

I finally, enrolled again in UP for flute lessons. Good luck, haha now I'm really bankrupt. 9,350Php for 14 1-hour sessions. The price for your passion (and frustration hehe.)
I admit it was quite a hasty decision to put my money there but for the longest time I've longed to come back and play the flute. I guess, that's my treat for myself this Christmas. Anyway, I just gave the downpayment.

So, no more tai-chi lessons for me. Hehe I wanted to come back and do tai-chi again but that would also cost.. Oh wells. Maybe, I could try the free tai-chi they have in UP every Sunday.

I have to prioritizie. I need to reassess.

What do I want to pursue? What do I want to do with my life? Hehe sooo serious. But, really.

Even with expenses, my priorities are reflected. I'm taking 3units of Educ this sem (another source of expense for me =p but worth it!)

I honestly, don't like money talk but I just have to be honest that I feel constrained having a salary that's less than what I got. I just have to deal with it.

Hehe that's why my entrepreneurial skills are challenged. Ayoko magmukhang pera pero gusto ko kumita. Haha I guess, I've had this bias against entrepreneurs for the longest time because of what my teachers used to explain to me when I was younger. In our school, we weren't allowed to sell anything to anyone. It was "bad." After that, I got the stigma, that those people who sold just wanted to have more money and that's being selfish. But, I know that that's not the case. It does not mean that if you earn, you cheat others. I just have to overcome this belief with myself before I venture into any career being an entrepreneur. But, I do dream of having my own business. Hehe I have a big idea that I've been holding on for quite a while now. Maybe, in the future. Now, I still have to save up money for my future!

Hehe makulit na kuwento: I was at the doctor's office with my little sister today with my mom. An old Chinese lady started chatting with my mom and I. She was asking if my dad was mestizo and she was saying how pretty we were. (hehe so may pag-asa pa ako sa Chinese...=p haha as if meron) I can't remember how exactly the discussion went but I remember her telling me how quickly one million pesos can disappear. She advised me to marry a very rich man! Haha di lang daw dapat milyonaryo, dapat bilyonaryo! I admit there are biases with the Chinese and money, but I guess they're just being practical. As for me, even if there are financial challenges, if ever I do get married what's more important is that we love each other and we're both responsible parents. I know God will provide.

Anyways, enough of the money talk. It's Christmas time - it's the season of love. =)
Ngunit kahit na anong manyari, ang pag-ibig sana'y maghari, sapat ng si Hesus ang kasama mo, tuloy na tuloy pa rin ang Pasko.

I just hope and pray that despite financial difficulties, our unfortunate Filipino brothers will be with their loved ones and they will feel the spirit of Christmas, the spirit of Christ's love.

it's been ages

I feel like it's been ages since my last post here.
I'm starting to try out my other blog/write things.
I've been so busy and I've experienced so much the past few days
that I haven't paused yet and reflected much.

Part of me feels 'sleepy' or 'lazy' to write.
Hm, was thinking I'm getting dehydrated.
That's why I feel sleepy! Yep...I read it somewhere.

I don't think I'm making much sense right now.
I just want to type, to write, raw and bear
without having to edit my thoughts.

Weird, I'm talking to myself right now but I know someone might read this.
There are some things I want to share to others but some things I want to keep to
myself or to my closest friends.

I dreamt of him again last night.
It was so real. The feeling was so real.
Ewan, nagkakatampuhan kami.
Hay, the pressure around.

I like the Blind but I love my kind.
haha labo. Basta. I'm so torn.
I have mixed emotions and I know I'm not
making myself clear now.
That's why I want to write.

I need to settle down, to let my emotions subside,
to accept what I feel.

Ano ang gagawin ko? Lahat ng tao tinatanong ako
tungkol sa atin pero wala naman tayong pinag-uusapan.
Sige, mahal mo ako. Alam ko naman. Mahal din kita.
Hindi nga lang, katulad ng dapat para tawagin tayong "sila."

Basta, bahala na.
I'm not rushing into anything.

My dream: we were together, with a few friends. It was late at night, we were talking.
You used to be the one who brought me home but I felt awkward asking you. You asked Mmol to bring me home. You told him to be careful. I knew you still cared for me. It's just hard to be in this situation. I still care for you but I don't want to lead you on. I have been hurt with how you left me all alone. I know and respect what you're doing with your life. I'm proud of what you've become. I just feel we're becoming strangers to each other. Lord, pls. don't let us part.


Anyways, I bet I have loads of grammatical errors here. I just "blabbed" without really thinking much. I just wrote what i feel. I have yet to discern.

I like what I'm reading now: "You are what you think." It makes a lot of sense.

I just pray I can really transcend myself. I pray for things to settle down in me before the year ends..before Christmas comes.

It was Cathy's debut last night. Miss goofing around with old friends. (RD, Ow, J, Congee)
I got to chat with Cars V. and Marts today.
Last friday, I had a weird but insightful and honest conversation with T.April.
I attended 3rd Sunday Reco (advent reco) last Sun.

So full. I need to unwind and recollect.
One day at a time.
Slow down mode.

I haven't even written about how lucky/blessed I am for winning a 3G phone a day after someone stole my phone.

Hay, patience. Blessed be!

Nanay is in Heaven =)

I had a peaceful and wonderful dream last night.
I woke up at 2:40am disoriented as to where I was.
My yellow night lamp was unusually turned off and it was pitch black.
But, I was not afraid.

I dreamt of Nanay.
I dreamt Anne and I were sleeping in my old room
in Antipolo where I shared it with my lola.
Anne and I were talking about problems.
Then in my dream I fell asleep.

I saw Nanay wearing white enveloped in white bright light.
I felt I was crying and she was hugging me - more so enveloping me
with her loving presence. We both miss each other terribly.
But, she seemed to say that she had to go and that I shouldn't worry.
We communicated telephatically, no words used, to express how much we loved each other.

Then, I woke up in my dream, back in my old room.
I saw Isabelle. Then I think there was another baby who had the same one sided dimples Nanay had. The other baby was smiling. He looked liked Nanay.
After that, I really woke up from my dream.

I was at peace.
***

Some notes I got from my 8-day retreat last year:
"Praying is an art - there is no clear cut formula. You have to do it yourself to be able to find out."
"Describing God: Pasimple pero ang lakas ng tama"
"Things becomes more real, when you are most aware."

There are so many insights I want to write but right now
I'm so preoccupied. Haha obsessed! I enjoy reading his blog.
Anubayan! =p Haha ;) It's my escape from stress.

On teaching, hay, it's so hard to be consistently firm.
I need to really put my foot down.
I'm learning.
Ang kulit. Hehe I feel like I'm really learning
how to become a teacher (and a mother..eek!)

But, at the same time, I feel so young with all
the emotions I'm feeling.

I'm still thinking.
I feel like changing my blog.
To be public or not?
That is the question.

I want you to know me
but I'm afraid of sharing myself so much
that I can't get myself back.
It's weird I know.
But I just feel this emptiness when close people
leave or go and I think it's inevitable for those things to happen.
I want to know you better but I'm scared of putting my emotions
at your mercy.

Lord, awareness and consciousness examen is the key.
Pls. help me.

Blogging and recollections

have so many thoughts, insights, emotions I've scattered throughtout the World Wide Web. Let's see...I use blogspot, livejournal, multiply and friendster. But, I realized I feel this need to integrate and recollect everything. What am I really thinking? What are my concerns right now? How have I changed?

I know I've experienced so many changes after college.
It's amusing to see it even in my blog entries.

My naive, neneng days in college can be seen in my blurty blog. After which, my struggle and insights as a fresh grad is in my "lets rock the world" blog. I have "a warrior of the light" blog right now for my spiritual struggles and encounters.

Now, I find myself wanting to start a new blog. Something different. I still have yet to discern.

It's almost the end of the year and I feel like I'm continuously changing and rediscovering who I am and I'm meant to be.

How fitting that today is the Feast of Christ the King. This marks the end of the year for the Church. If I was my old self, I wouldn't bother to celebrate or reflect on it. But, with the contemplations of St. Ignatius it becomes more meaningful. Christ's kingdom is not of this earth. The worldly kingdom is put in contrast with His kingdom.

Coming from recollection today, I've gained so many insights once again. I liked what Jackie said about struggles. Yes, it's inevitable that we all continuosly struggle. It does not stop or end after we've overcome a struggle. Most of the time, if not always, it even gets harder as your grow up. However, she brought out the point of seeing the beauty of these struggles, of transcending yourself. At the end of the day, it should not be about what you want but it's about praying and listening to what He wants.



Sometimes, I have this fear of being preachy or too religious because of how I've been exposed to Ignatian spirituality and how it has changed me. So I keep quiet instead and I try my best to listen. I have discovered that in reality, we all experience this void and emptiness that we all try to fill. We may have different experiences- from teaching, working in the Corporate World, law school,to med school and even heartbreaks -but underlying this is the common urge to find meaning in our lives.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to honesty and humility. I know I'm still a work in progress. I have yet to discover what I'm meant to be. I'm learning to be more open. I'm at peace knowing He has a big plan for me.